As a child who grew up in the 90s, I loved going to sleepovers! I ate candy and laughed with my friends until I couldn’t anymore, then stayed up as late as I wanted. But now that I’m a parent, sleepovers seem scary and full of landmines.
The new generation of parents is definitely more aware of what can go wrong for our kids. We are also overly cautious of scarring our children for life, something that wasn’t thought of much “back in the day”. In the online parenting community, sleepovers have been a hot-button topic. Parents are either all in—or completely terrified of them.
So are sleepovers a passe activity for kids that could be potentially dangerous, or still a good time that every kid should experience?
The Benefits of Sleepovers
Sleepovers can help your child bond with other kids. Especially, if they’re having a tough time making friends. Many kids are more relaxed outside of school, which works to their advantage when socializing. Also, sleepovers are a lot of fun and can be a much-needed break for you and your partner.
As well, sleepovers offer a change from your child’s routine. This is a good thing because it allows them to practice autonomy and independence while away from you. Also, your child will learn more about their peers, enabling them to have better relationships with their schoolmates.
The Risks of Sleepovers
This is the scary part. The main risk we all think about, or at least I do, is molestation or abuse at the hands of someone in the sleepover host’s home. Once your child has an experience like this, it has happened. There is no going back, and your child will likely be affected for a long time.
Remember, being in a strange home, your child will be subject to whatever environment their friend is in. The parents could be drinkers, use drugs, or have sketchy friends over. The parents may also allow the children to watch movies that are too scary or inappropriate for their age.
Bullying is also something that can happen at sleepovers. Children tend to be kind of vicious when left to their own devices, which is why supervision is so important.
So the question is—what can you do to negate these risks? Well, you can start by conducting your own investigation before allowing your child to go to the sleepover.
Tips for Vetting Sleepover Events
Sleepovers place children in a vulnerable situation: they’re away from you at night. So if you’re not quite comfortable with this, allow them to go until it’s time to sleep. I was watching a video on TikTok about this and the creator said, “All these kids do is sleep once it’s past 9 pm, so I pick my daughter up when it’s time for everyone to get to bed!” I tend to agree.
If you pick him or her up early, your child can still experience the fun stuff, and then go home. The downside is that they will miss out on the cool conversations kids tend to have once the lights go out.
You need to check the host’s parents and the home out in advance. Any good parent will understand your need to make sure their home is safe. And if they are offended by this—RED FLAG ALERT and time to RSVP no to the event.
Tips For Determining If a Sleepover Situation Is Safe
- Try to wait until your child is a bit older (at least 6 years old but this may be too young depending on your child) before allowing them to go to sleepovers.
- If your child has mentioned any bullying by the kids who will be at the sleepover, we would recommend that you RSVP no to the sleepover.
- Be sure to talk to your child about good touch and bad touch. Make him or her feel comfortable with telling you if something happens. Talk to them about stranger danger if they will be playing outside.
- Teach your child about the gift of instinct and why it’s important to follow it.
- Make sure your child knows he or she can call to come home ANYTIME. Even in the middle of the night.
- Ask your child questions about the child and their home. Kids are fairly honest and will tell you exactly what they’ve noticed.
- Have the child over to your home first to see how they behave.
- Talk to the other parent and ask if you can come over before the sleepover and speak to them in private. Let them know they can do the same if you host a sleepover.
When You’re at The Host’s Home
This doesn’t have to be an interrogation, frame this visit as a way for you to get to know the hosts. Keep your eyes open and ask questions about how the night will play out. Take natural opportunities to ask about various things. For example, if you notice the host’s teen daughter has a friend over, ask if he/she will be there the night of the sleepover.
Sleepover Visit Checklist
- Watch for signs of an unsafe or tumultuous environment (ie: lots of yelling or swearing loudly, the smell of cigarettes or weed, dangerous items or alcohol bottles).
- Make sure they have a first aid kit.
- Ask them about weapons in the home and if they’re locked up.
- Find out how many kids will be there—the ratio shouldn’t be any more than 8 kids per adult in the home.
- Inquire about other people in the home (partners, siblings, and guests). Ask their ages, and if there will be any substance use.
- Ask to see the area that the kids will be sleeping in. Make sure it’s safe.
- Ensure that the media the kids will be consuming is kid-friendly and not scary or inappropriate.
- If you have a bad feeling about the home or the hosts, you have a right to protect your child and opt out of the sleepover on their behalf.
Ideally, you would know the parents and siblings of the host VERY well, this ensures not only your comfort but also your child’s. For example, I am the mom of a younger child and am nervous about her going to a sleepover. So I only allow her to go to a trusted family member’s place and one other friend’s home. This friend’s mother is very similar to me, has the same parenting style, and has even picked her child up early from sleepovers due to being dubious about the situation.
My daughter went to her first sleepover last year and had a wonderful time! It was great to know she was in such good hands but also that she got to experience a “girl’s night”.
Sleepovers—Yay or Nay?
Whether or not you decide to allow your child to attend a sleepover will totally depend on your and your child’s comfort level. As well as your trust in the host, the environment your child will be in, and your child’s overall feelings. Age should be taken into account, and you should never allow your child to go to a home that you have never been to.
Keep in mind that sleepovers can be wonderful for bonding and socialization, but they’re not vital. Your child will still have birthday parties, field trips, and other activities where he or she can get to know their peers. So if you’re a no-sleepover home, it’s not going to scar them for life!
Be aware, and stay safe!
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